One Year Post Mortem

November 19, 2011, the day I was supposed to die.  Almost three hundred & sixty-five days have passed and I am still very much alive.  As the one year anniversary approaches, I struggle.  Most of the physical pain of the accident itself is far behind me.  Other than slightly limited mobility in my neck, I suffer no long-term physical effects, even the scars on my neck, forehead and shoulder are barely visible.  To a stranger, I look normal, there is no tell-tale indication of the trauma I endured.  For that I am grateful.  There are still a few loose ends related to medical bills and insurance settlements, but nothing that plagues me. My emotional wounds however, are still a little raw.

There are days it seems my life will forever be divided into “pre” and “post” accident.  Before the accident I was scared of very little, a bit of a daredevil actually.  Today I am very much aware of my body’s fragility.  At my father’s 60th birthday party, an attempt to ride go carts was disastrous.  I barely made one lap around the track.  All I could think was, “I’m not wearing a helmet, if I crash I could fly head first into the pavement and break my neck again.”  I kept my cool long enough to park the go-cart, but collapsed into tears once I climbed out.  I am uncomfortable driving on the highway, especially at night.  My neck doesn’t turn towards the back well, and judging a car’s distance based on headlights in a rear view mirror is tricky. Walt Disney World’s Space Mountain used to be my all time favorite ride.  Not anymore.  I braved a ride on it this summer and spent the entire time praying I would survive, promising God that if I made it off alive I’d never ride Space Mountain again.  it’s a promise I’ll have no difficulty keeping.

What plagues me most is wondering why I lived.  Why did God set me apart?  Why did He save me?  A co-worker recently lost her cousin in an accident very similar to mine.  She was in the back seat of a vehicle that was rear ended by a semi, she broke her neck and died at the scene.  A friend’s younger brother died earlier this year.  He was younger than me and left behind a teen age daughter.  Why did their lives end while mine continues on?  Please do not misunderstand. I am not looking for an exit strategy.  I want to be around to see my children, nieces and nephews grow up, launch their careers and start families. I want to be part of their lives. I want to meet my future grandchildren. I want to graduate from college (yes, I’m a little behind in that department).  I want to travel the globe and love on orphans. I want to be a published (i.e., paid) author.   There is much to live for, but still I wonder why God chose to save me.

As I reflect on the last year I wonder if He is pleased?  Have I lived up to His expectation?  What have I accomplished this last year?  What difference have I made in the lives of those around me?  Am I leaving an indelible mark on the world?  Am I walking down the path He has chosen for me?  Am I fulfilling my purpose?  Today a very dear friend mentioned the upcoming anniversary and asked how I am.  My eyes started to sting and I had to fight back tears because I really am not sure.  I mean, I haven’t found a cure for cancer (though, I wasn’t trying either), or achieved any earth shattering feat.  Maybe I was just supposed to spend this year making a full recovery.  I am certain I accomplished that.

As the accident grows smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror of my mind, I pray that   His light is reflected in my life and spills over through my actions.  I pray that my existence brings Him glory.  I pray that my story of survival offers hope.  I pray that I am able to accomplish all that He has for me.  I pray that when my time does come, He will welcome me home with the soft words, “well done good and faithful servant.”

2 thoughts on “One Year Post Mortem

  1. We don’t always understand God’s plans whilst we are still on this earth. Only in eternity will we fully know and understand. What *I* know, is that through your accident, I became closer to a group of ladies online, and we saw the power of answered prayer. It boosted my prayer life and encouraged me to see that God is able to wonderful things, when His people pray. You have touched my life, and I know countless others have been blessed by seeing God at work. Praying that you will be granted continued peace in life, and to see His way ahead for you, as you continue to honour Him in your life.

  2. Laurel Hoskins says:

    I know the Lord has so much left for you to do. His ways are higher than our ways. I am personally someone who is so blessed because you are still with us. Your perseverance, your faith in the Lord, your deep compassion for the orphans, your encouragement to me and I know countless others is someone the Lord needs to keep in this sometimes harsh world. Not to say that those lives lost this year were not equally significant because all lives are but the Lord always has a plan and I am glad His was to keep you with us. I know without a shadow of a doubt there are many treasures in heaven for you and one day a long way off when you do go home Jesus will be waiting to greet you and will definitely say well done my good and faithful servant for whom I am well pleased. Love you my friend! Laurel

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