Faith in Darkness

“We are called to be faithful to God even when it seems he hasn’t been faithful to us. We’re called to love him even when we feel abandoned. We’re called to look for him even in the midst of the darkness. We’re called to worship him even through our tears.” Pete Wilson author of Plan B

Tumultuous provides a weak description of the last two and a half years. It seems someone set my life on the spin cycle and then neglected to turn on the timer. This
season of life has included three household moves, unemployment, four jobs, and five medical maladies, loss of employee benefits, income decrease & church closure. Resilient could be used to describe me, but hey, one too many blows to the head and even the best fighter is down for the count.

Prior to this turmoil, we accepted a full time ministry position. Desiring God’s will for our lives we willingly left our home town; gave up our jobs, left our church, left our family, left our friends, pulled our children out of school and for what? We were doing the will of our Father, so how did we end up in this perpetual spin cycle? The ensuing events left me bruised, battered, defeated and ANGRY!!!!! Why was all of this happening? How many blows must one suffer before throwing in the towel? Seriously? God? What had we done to deserve such devastation? What awful sin had we committed? Why the harsh punishment? Day after day, going through the motions of living yet spiritually isolated.

Tears became a daily occurrence. Countless times I escaped to the restroom attempting to avoid the curious stares of coworkers, hoping no one would see my emotional breakdowns. Where was God in all of this? Wasn’t he supposed to swoop down like a knight in shining armor to save the beautiful princess? It seemed God was content to play the role of Houdini, so like a petulant child I unleashed the full force of my fury on Him. I decided that His lack of intervention proved His immense hatred of me. What other explanation was there?

Moments of lucidity brought with them condemnation for I knew my behavior was abysmal. As my anger abated, slow acceptance crept in. I am not in control. I cannot see my future. I cannot fix my circumstances by “being good.” Fortunately for me, God is gracious, loving; kind and slow to anger; otherwise I might be hanging out with Lot’s wife as a pillar of salt.

Emotionally depleted but unwilling to abandon my faith I sought direction. Answers surfaced via Pete Wilson and A.W. Tozer. Both men provide amazing portraits of what an authentic life of faith genuinely looks like. Following their wise counsel, “I will be faithful to God even when it seems He has not been faithful to me. I will love Him even when I feel abandoned. I will look for Him in the midst of my darkness. I will worship Him through my tears.” AND “If He never answers another prayer while I live on this earth, I will still worship Him for as long as I live, and in the ages to come, for what He has already done.”