Emotional needs. We all have them. Mine may not look like yours, but they do exist. The fact that we are all different, come from different backgrounds, have different communication styles, and relate to others differently, makes connecting with our fellow humans challenging.
Much to my chagrin, the company I used to work for was very in tune with understanding how our individual needs directly correlate to how we interact with co-workers and customers. I say chagrin because although I am very self-aware, I don’t always like to discuss the secrets in my closet that make me who I am.
Just because I understand my own emotional needs, I don’t expect everyone around me to meet them. This stubborn, independent, first-born foolishly believes herself an island, in need of no one. The thick outer shell offers protection against an often cruel and selfish world, but it can also be a rather lonely exile.
Affirmation, by definition, means emotional support or encouragement. Interestingly, affirmation is not one of my top needs, but just like eating inadequate quantities of fruits and vegetables leads to vitamin deficiencies, lack of affirmation may lead to an emotional rut, which is where I have found myself recently.
I work hard, play hard, am driven, self-motivated, determined, and essentially a force to be reckoned with, making me seem unapproachable. I usually know what I want and am not afraid to share that information. It may seem like I have it all together and don’t need people, but if you look closely, you’ll find it’s just a facade.
Underneath all the layers of self-sufficiency, self-confidence, self-assuredness, courage, and competence is a little girl who just wants to make her daddy proud. I don’t necessarily mean that statement in a literal sense, more figurative. You know the child in all of us who wants to do good, wants someone to smile down at us with pride.
Signs of affirmation starvation surfaced following, of all things, a workout session. During the cool-down, the trainer talked about how proud she was of everyone for showing up and working hard. I’ve been doing her workouts for over three months now on YouTube. She doesn’t know me; nonetheless, her encouragement hit me square in the tear ducts. I have shown up every day at 5 AM, in the dark, with no one else around, and somehow her acknowledgment at that moment meant so much!
Shortly after that, I presented a proposal for an event, which I thought was very thorough. In the presentation, I outlined, in precise details, how the event should run, from pre-event advertising to post-event trash pick-up. Honestly, I’d put off the proposal for months because I was uninspired and had no desire to put together something halfway. Once inspiration arrived, I was very excited.
Following the presentation, I sought input, i.e., affirmation, from my spouse, who’d been present during the proposal. His answer broke the heart of my inner child. I’d expected praise and adulation; instead, his words felt like criticism. He told me that I’d been so thorough and sure that I’d probably scared everyone so much that no one would ask questions or provide feedback. Well, poop! That was certainly not the intent. I’d wanted to wow everyone with my attention to detail, not fear them into silence.
My job is often thankless, and it seems I always bring problems to light. Indeed, my findings are issues that need dealing with, and in the big picture, when fixed, will make the workplace more efficient, but I’m sure people grow weary of hearing from me. Somedays, I just wish someone would tell me, with utmost sincerity, that my efforts do not go unnoticed, that what I do matters.
A little affirmation won’t change my work ethic, I will work hard and do the right thing no matter the circumstances, but it might make the load seem lighter. I don’t say any of these things to seek sympathy or false affirmation. Perhaps, someone out there has similar emotional needs, and my vulnerability will help them know they are not alone in their yearning.
Maybe affirmation is not one of your top needs. However, chances are, it is for someone near you; a child, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a co-worker, the grocery store checker, the waitress bringing your meal, a volunteer coach, or the lady outside watering her grass, you get the idea. So why not go out of your way this week and serve up a heaping dose of affirmation to someone, whether they appear to need it or not.
Until Next Time,
Becky J Miller
“Warrior Princess”