Dearest Terri,
It’s been nine short or long months, depending on perspective, since you left us, and God! how I still miss you so much. I’m certain my loneliness for you is no more than Curtis or the girls’, but nonetheless, life without you just isn’t the same.
Although I’ve never shared this with anyone, the suddenness of your departure, sometimes finds me grappling with my own humanity. I think that all of us, in our own way, believe ourselves invincible, until an event makes us realize we are living on borrowed time. No man knows the day nor the hour in which he will cease to draw breath. We conveniently forget those things that cause us discomfort. You were literally sitting in your living room one minute and gone forever the next. How could I ever think myself immune to the same? Doing so would be foolish.
You beat me to grandmotherhood by almost four years, but I did finally arrive, and oh how I wish I could share that joy with you. I get it, I do. Kaiden was your pride and joy, and I know a Texas to California separation from him was heartbreaking for you. Baby Huf is such a delight to me, but living six hours away, even in the same state, is incredibly hard. With his parents moving to Oklahoma next month, I understand even more the depth of grief that being separated from grandbabies brings.
At our final goodbye on that wretched summer day, I promised to care for the girls in your absence, and although I do try, I could never measure up to the love you gave them and that makes me so sad, not for me, but them. I have to laugh because I know you’d be happy at my futile attempts to care for them all the while being mad that I’ve had to step in.
The holidays this year were a far cry from the normal Miller/Jones festivities. Ashley and Taylor joined us for Thanksgiving, but Curtis just could not bear to be away from you this first holiday. COVID restrictions prevented Amanda and Alex from making the trip home. We all grieved. Christmas was even harder, no one really knew how to proceed without you.
Brittany’s wedding was beautifully bittersweet. You would’ve been so proud; Curtis did an amazing job officiating, the girls were the most gorgeous bridesmaids and Kaiden stole the show as ringbearer, but your empty chair left everyone who knew in tears. Did you know, completely on her own, Bree hand-painted a sign to place on a chair in your honor? We had to warn Curtis and the girls so they wouldn’t see it for the first time during the ceremony.
Kaiden was so excited to wear his wedding clothes and even more excited that he and Chris matched. Teagen and Huf spent time hanging out together in the bridal suite, but we all forgot to get pictures of all the baby cousins, #shameful. Kaiden was quite taken with Amy who was really glad to get reacquainted with everyone on a happier day than the one when we laid you to rest. I think you’d love how she has both Stephen and Chris all figured out.
When Ashley broke the news of her pregnancy, I was so scared, and honestly a little angry at you for encouraging her to try and carry a baby despite her medical challenges, but turns out, you were right. You never treated her like she was fragile, encouraging her to live life without barriers, and because of it, she has a beautiful son, Jayden.
It breaks my heart that she, Taylor, and baby Jayden now live just a few miles down the road from your house in Killeen and you aren’t there. All the milestones you missed out on with Kaiden you could now have with Jayden, only you can’t. COVID and Snowmageddon kept everyone from Jayden’s birth, but Jimmy and I visited as soon as we could. While we were there I honestly kept waiting for you to either walk through the front door or emerge from another room.
I know the girls miss talking to you on the phone. I’m not a phone person, but I do mail them letters regularly. I cried when handing Teagan back to Amanda on the day we left your house after Brittany’s wedding. I never cried leaving Kaiden. I knew he was yours and as such was so well-loved. Teagan will never know the love of her grandmother, you, and that knowledge makes me want to just curl up in a ball and weep.
Now, instead of one grandchild, I feel like I have four: my one and your three. I would never try to replace you, but I will do my best to make sure those babies feel their grandmother’s love. I do really enjoy sending them gifts for all the holidays; Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s, Easter, birthday, whatever. You know I love to shop anyway, what are a few more presents? I’m even trying REALLY hard to NOT buy pink for Teagan.
You’d be happy and sad at the same time knowing that Amanda and Alex both ended up living about a mile apart in Colorado. You’d rejoice that they have each other all the while secretly grieving their absence from you.
So, Terri, that’s just a brief overview of all that’s happened since you went away. Know that we all love you dearly and miss you terribly. XOXO
Until Next Time,
Becky J Miller
Warrior Princess